Life of McK

I’m frustrated, impatient, angry, negative, and losing sight of what I want in my life. I don’t want to feel this way. But I need to get to the bottom of this before it gets too out of hand.

Throughout my day it’s as if I’m just waiting for the day to be over. I can’t wait for nap time or bed time when I can just be alone. But what do I do when I’m alone? Nothing. I lay in bed and watch Netflix. It’s as if I’m back to how I was in July. I worked really hard to get out of my rut, but I’m right back in it.

I feed my boredom with food. Unhealthy food. I haven’t worked out in months. A few weeks ago I was walking up to the FedEx store and I was looking at my reflection as I walked closer to the window. I looked at my thighs and noticed that they looked wrinkly every time I took a step. They jiggled. Writing this I’m crying. Thinking how could I let myself go like this?

In the previous weeks, I wasn’t letting my weight define me. I just convinced myself that once I got home I would be away from all the snacks and temptations. Which is probably true. I’ll go home, have a workout room in the basement, and have only healthy food to choose from. Those things kept me from being so upset with my appearance.

But, I now have 2 days left and I am DYING to get home and change my habits. Because I know that deep down they won’t change here and as long as all these snacks are in my presence, I WILL consume them. I wish I could convince myself otherwise but I am done lying to myself.

Truth is, I don’t even want to go home. I want to move into college ASAP. I want to continue creating this new life for myself. I don’t want to go home and live in the past. I’ve changed so much since I’ve been away and I want all of this change and maturity to stay.

This post is really hard for me to write. It’s the most negative thing that I’ve written for my blog and I hate it. But this is my life. This is me. I want you all to know that my life isn’t just flowers blooming all day everyday. I struggle, I cry, I get angry, I get annoyed, I get impatient.

But the important part is that I am trying so hard to change it. Starting now. With all my negativity and checking my countdown until I get to the airport, I lost sight of what was important to me…My goals, reading, writing, To-Do lists, getting the ball rolling…Everything. Yes, It’s only been rough like this since Saturday night. BUT that’s a LONG time and I am terrified of completely letting go of all the work I put into my life this past month.

It’s important that I figure this out before I go home and wish I was at college, and again, stop doing what I love to do because I’m so sad.

I’m gonna try and change my mindset for these next 2 days. I want to live in the moment and remind myself how much I truly WILL miss it here and how much I’ll miss the kids.

So, wish me luck as I try to bring back my positivity and fall in love with myself and my life again.

-McKayla